I stood at the earthly alter dressed in a beautiful white gown. Believing my life was fixing to be perfect. I was marrying “the man” of my dreams and believed I was grabbing hold of “the life” of my dreams. A fairy tale!
Full of hope to hopelessness.
From garments of white to rags of filthiness.
From a family of four to a single mother of two.
From a home and security to a rented house and unknown.
From standing at the earthly altar full of life to kneeling at the Holy altar of God begging to die.
My life as I knew it had stopped!
It was my darkest moment and I was literally begging -begging -begging God to take me – the pain was too great……
BUT GOD, stepped onto the battlefield of my wounded bloody mess and called me by name:
“Ashley, I AM right here! There is work to do.”
It was in that dark, ugly, broken shattered place of desperation and pain where He met me. The days ahead were long, uncertain, weary, and many times I felt hopeless – but he carried me. Step by step He upheld me and ushered in hope. The circumstances and rift between us (me and my X) did not speedily get better; no, it was years of hard cruel brokenness and the true ugly deep rips and division that divorce brings with it – seemed endless.
It kept me on my knees. Seeking His face. Jesus was my life support.
Through the next days, weeks, months, and years I would choose to face my pain and not avoid it. And in that holy place, He would begin pouring His resurrection – life, His redemptive healing, His sweet mercy and unending grace into the deepest and most desperate parts of my soul; this is where I learned how to fervently pray; how to wildly trust; how to boldly forgive; how to vulnerably love, how to firmly stand on His truth, and how to believe I was worthy and significant. I was His beautiful vessel –—— His Alabaster Jar! He was pouring His life into me; He was birthing something new and from the ashes of defeat- a new life was being birthed.
BUT LISTEN UP! I could not see it while standing in the middle of the raging storm winds; but now, looking back, I can see it with a new perspective. The darkness and pain made me the woman of light and beauty I am today (and I am still in the transformational process). It was in the pain where He changed me, molded me and revived me from the inside out. It was in the dark where He began excavating the pure gold from within me that had been buried under the rubble of lies, limiting beliefs, and landmines of fear and failure. You see, it took a storm and darkness for His light to have a place to penetrate and begin bringing forth the gold inside my soul.
As I reflect this week on a piece of my story – a sliver of my journey, I am THANKFUL for the pain. I am thankful I chose to not be afraid of my pain because, it had a powerful purpose. It allowed me to uncover, and embrace another piece of my “Original Shimmering Self! —– And it gifted me with the truth that “she’s been there all along”!
Listen beautiful one, regardless of what you are facing today, there is hope!
You have gold within you!
What pain are you in the throes of today? Are you afraid of your pain? I want to encourage you to listen: God is calling your name.