Desperate for God

Desperate for God

Thumbing though old journals, desperate for God to speak, when my eyes fell upon this entry from many years ago. It was a powerful reminder of how far my Good and Faithful Father and has brought me. It was also one of the key unveilings of my true beauty. However, there are many, and every one of them is intertwined and significant to my beauty becoming fully ALIVE. Also, each have played a crucial role in birthing this amazing new women’s retreat coming this April 8-10th “Beauty fully ALIVE”. Let me share one unveiling now: A few years into my second marriage the Lord began awakening a passion in me for women’s hearts and their marriages. But as this passion grew unexpected warfare plummeted into my own young marriage – which immediately led to the enemy’s whispers… ”How can you teach other women when you can’t even get it right yourself”? I realized in that moment my greatest struggle was also my deepest passion. And I was desperate for God. Over the next three years every time there would be a heated discussion between my husband and me I would resent, keep score, pout, personalize, internalize, compare, push away, want revenge, and vow to not need him so much again. His words regardless of their intent were like daggers, which penetrated deeply. Unknowingly I left fragmented pieces festering where they pierced me and they oozed bloody lies covering the truth I was desperate for. This continued on and off. I would fight “worldly”, then surrender, diligently seek the Lord, then feel stronger, be loving, then make failed attempts to...
Why Change?

Why Change?

Change is on the horizon yet my heart is resistant – “why change”? I am too busy, and it is the last thing I feel like doing. However, it’s the most needed. Why can’t I see it clearly? Distracted with life’s curve balls, children, family, business adventures, and many “good things” I am tempted to hang onto the threads of lies. Their familiarity brings false comfort and part of me likes it – so I think. God is calling me to more change, yet my wondering mind is tempted to hide and remain busy. Excuses mount. Rebellion rises. Lies lurk. Stubbornness surmounts. There is a thickness in the air of change, and I must choose to push through the unknown, rise up,  and trust the One leading me out. It’s my choice. In the midst of my chaos and questions I sense more nudging. I must obey. I stop, wait, and listen; and there in the stillness. His grace abounds. His love draws me out, and His light begins to penetrate the shattered fearful places within. His change for me is not to take away but to give more. His change is only an agent to usher me into more wholeness, freedom, and sweetness. He see’s my desperate need. Why can’t I? Why do I resist? What the enemy means for harm, numbness, and destruction God is using for His glory, restoration, and new life. Although change is hard, it’s the fear of change that holds me captive. When I began viewing change as “a new frontier”, and began asking God, “what He is up to in the midst...
Jealousy Trap

Jealousy Trap

JEALOUSY TRAP Her instinctive emotions of jealousy arose often-entrapping feelings of constant unworthiness in her soul. She did not believe she could retain affection, attention, and respect on her own merit, even though it appeared she had it all. She thrived on controlling her surroundings, yet she lacked self-confidence causing constriction in relationships. These constraints and emotions were damaging her relations instead of growing, nourishing, and protecting them. Her jealousy spewed out in competitive actions, quite gossip, and abrupt thoughtless comments, which drove many away. She thought often: “She has more than me; She is prettier and skinner than me; She is more likable than me; Her husband is more spiritual than mine; her child is more talented than mine.” These accusations were nestled in insecurity, mistrust, lies, and fear — a bundle of brokenness. She feared never being loved for her heart alone so she compared and manipulated. Her unrealistic comparisons paralyzed her heart from loving herself, loving her life, and truly loving others. Her constant uncontrolled jealousy festered beneath the surface of every relationship with a destructive manner. The enemy loved her struggle. It was a perfect tool to vandalize her heart. She knew it was wrong yet she felt bound in this jealousy trap. What could she do? Jealousy is intolerance toward someone believed to enjoy an advantage. It is an attitude or feeling with an intense interest for another’s honor or prosperity. Jealousy occurs when we are afraid someone is going to become equal or even superior to us. This kind of jealousy is a sin. Jealousy can be fervently attached to almost anything worth having;...
Underneath It All

Underneath It All

Emma enters the room and every head turns. She is stunning, tall, thin, and beautifully dressed. She walks with grace and confidence. She smiles, walks through the crowd, and engages in numerous conversations. She loves the attention yet underneath it all, tears stream down the walls of her heart. She puts up a good front, but the scars run deep. She longs to feel loved, and after years of asking: “Am I enough?” her heart concludes – NO! She feels the stabs of rejection deep within, and it defines her inner wardrobe. Her mistakes and failures color her thoughts and actions, and she covers her wounds with multiple facets of control and pretention. She longs for something more. She pines for her filthy rags to be removed. There are days when she takes off one garment of judgement and then another of gossip—- only to find that she has put them back on at the end of the day. Looking at her you would never know the tattered garments covering her heart and the insecurity in her soul. Outwardly she appears beautiful and bold, yet the inward she is naked and fearful. What would it take to tear down the walls of garments she is hiding behind?  She longs to come out – to be seen – to be noticed – to be beautiful  – TO BE FREE. What is your heart clothed in today? What are you wearing right now? Will you let Him remove your filthy rags, one garment at a time, and clothe you with His robes of righteousness – the garments of Heaven? Oh sweet...
Smitten Bride

Smitten Bride

As a Bride of Christ  – Are you a “Smitten Bride”? The worship music played loudly though my ear buds as I sat on the floor in front of the hotel mirror applying makeup for the day. The girls were beginning to stir and so was my heart. In the mirror I saw a broken girl; yet the Lord whispered – “Beautiful”. I saw dirty rags. He whispered -“Clean”. I saw shattered. He whispered – “whole”. I saw bondage of busyness. He whispered -“smitten bride“. I saw my past. He saw my future. Tears streamed down my face as my hand reached to the Heavens. There was no holding back regardless of who was watching. I was smitten – I had to worship Him! How could I not?  He was washing me in mercy and restoring my heart piece by piece. It was a beautiful thing. This reminded me of another women who could not help but worship him. A busy bride defines Martha to a “t”. Her heart is divided with good/god distractions. Yet she is a preoccupied worshipper. Mary represents a smitten bride with a focused heart, and she is an extravagant worshipper. Martha’s hospitality was focused on meeting the “needs” of Jesus; Mary was focused on “Jesus”. Mary was not lazy; She was whole-heartedly smitten and intoxicated with her Lord and enjoying her King. Jesus was pleased. In John 12:1-3  the smitten bride, Mary, anoints Jesus’ body with her alabaster jar of oil. She breaks open her life savings, her 401K, her everything and pours it onto his dusty feet. Then she makes a scandalous move...