The Marvelous Dismantling
The “Marvelous Dismantling” is a shedding of the old. A shedding of the false-self. An untangling of the enabling. A severance of the patriarchal chokehold. A release of the false value of others’ approval. A crumbling of the fortress (around my heart) that has falsely kept me safe “out there”, but truthfully abandoned me “in here”. An unbinding from proving my worth. Peeling off of the mask that I have comfortably worn pretending to be someone I am not. An examination of the beliefs I have built my life around. A deconstruction of the institution. A dismantling of me.
It is a profound and yet beautiful dismantling within. A death and rebirth.
This dismantling is not for the faint at heart. No. It is hard, lonely, ugly, and disruptive.
One of the hardest parts of this dismantling has been the deconstruction of the institution. The institution that I have been raised in. The institution that has held many transformational moments for me. But then something happened and it did not matter if I was ready to look at this or not. No. It was in my face and in my inbox. It smashed my heart and exploded my world. The dismantling was now and I could not put my head down and ignore it - (even though a part of me wanted too).
So I looked and then looked even closer, and (for me personally) for the first time, I began to see fragments from the explosion which were laden in an undercurrent of pride, patriarchy, and religiosity. I saw fragments of an institution that wants to keep you “in your place and keep you submissive” (not too high, not too low, not too much power); An institution that encourages you to wear your mask (because the real you is too messy and too much); An institution that shuns you when you step out of “their lines” (because your real imperfections make them uncomfortable); An institution that loves you when you're a “good girl” and condemns you when not; An institution that is supposed to be a shelter when you're weary and a covering of love and grace, but instead it calls you out in public humiliation and covers you in shame; An institution that is supposed to be for the brokenhearted, but then breaks you. And an institution that chooses itself over you!
DANG, IT. UGH! THIS SUCKS!
Yes, these were only fragments of the whole, but they blew up in my face, and it was hard to look at. It was heartbreaking! A cruel dismantling! And yet, for me, I could not unsee what I had just seen. Even if it was just fragments beginning to surface, I still could no longer ignore it. I had to be brutally honest with the undercurrents of the institution and also with the undercurrents within myself. I had to take a good look at both. I had to acknowledge and dismantle all the places within myself where I had repeatedly chosen the institution over myself. I had to acknowledge, own, and dismantle all the places I had found my identity in the institution instead of finding my identity in the “I AM”! I also had to repent for all the ways in which I had chosen to worship “the institution” instead of worshipping “the Christ”. And I had to release the institution to be just that -- an institution!
AGAIN, these were only fragmentations. It was NOT A REFLECTION OF THE WHOLE INSTITUTION (because there is much goodness, transformation, grace, and beauty there too). But it was a reflection.
And it was there, within this realm of brutal honesty and truth, I could hear the echoes of the institution co-mingled with the shouts of my own inner critic.
They sounded a little like this:
“You can’t do that.”
“You better censor your voice.”
“What will they think?”
“Who do you think you are?”
“Don’t cross that line.”
“You better get back in line and be quiet.”
“Just submit and do what you’re told.”
“Smile and be a good girl.”
“Be seen and not heard.”
“Play it safe.”
“Make sure everybody is happy.”
“Their feelings matter more than yours.”
“Serve girl, serve; even if it’s killing you,”
........................... (etc. etc.)
So here I am! And I am tired of the “echo’s and shouts” and I am tired of all the old programmed beliefs within me robbing me of my true confidence, power, passion, and purpose. I am tired of sleep-waking to my truest self in order to keep everyone else happy. I am tired of living for the institution instead of living for My God! I am tired of playing small in order to play it safe. I’m tired of suffocating while living behind the mask in order to please everyone else. AND I am tired of living a life without ME in it.
It is time To WAKE UP.
It is time to dismantle the lies keeping me stuck in shame and self-doubt.
It’s time to no longer allow what others think to dictate my path.
It’s time to turn my gaze from the man-made institution and lock it onto the CREATOR GOD OF ALL THINGS.
It is time to choose myself over the institution.
It’s time to turn inward, destroying the search for “out there” and allowing the LIFE OF CHRIST “in me” to be unbridled and ignited.
It’s time to live a full flame on and fierce life.
It’s time to look at all the illusions I’ve built my life on and dismantle all the false-selves.
It’s time to take off the mask, look in the mirror, introduce myself to the real me, and love her. All of her.
It’s time to own my crap and do the real redemptive inner work.
It’s time to accept, love, and embrace my feminine wholeness —- because that is who God created me to be.
It is time to release all of the hope I have put on the institution and put my hope in Christ alone.
It’s time to walk out the journey. Live my story. Death. &. Rebirth. A beautiful and painful release and embrace.
I have lived asleep to my life for 40 plus years —- I blame no one but me for that. I take full responsibility for me. It has cost me so much. I am done! Wake up, Ashley. Wake up! It’s time to embrace the Marvelous Dismantling and LIVE FULLY ALIVE!
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Anybody else?
If we don't do the inner work, we will climb out of one oppressive relationship, situation, or institution only to land harder into another. You and you alone are responsible for your own healing.
Are you ready to do the work that brings redemption and new life? Because freeing yourself and rising in the truth of your being gives others permission to do the same.
Come join me and together we will shed the old and embrace the new. A marvelous dismantling.
Connect with me here: https://www.ashleywhitewellness.com/contact
P.S. - Join me LIVE every Tuesday at 10:00 am CST on my FACEBOOK PAGE - “Ashley White Wellness” - where I give you encouragement and tools to help you voice and honor your anger and grief.
