I Am Done with Being - “A GOOD GIRL!”
“Be a good girl!”
“Do what you are told!”
“Suck it up!”
“Mind your manners!”
These are a few statements that swirl often in my mind and are ingrained in my life. And standing alone they can be viewed as good – maybe? But buried deep beneath the surface of the lettering comes hidden entrapment and a suffocating silencing of my value, dignity, and voice.
What does “being a good girl” even mean? Does it mean we must follow the rules of a patriarchal system? Does it mean we must be less than and give everything away for free? Does it mean we must stuff our voices and remain in silence? Does it mean we bow our heads and stay low? Does it mean we must dress a certain way, think certain thoughts, and abide by man-made criteria? Does it mean we take care of the kids, keep the house tidy, buy the groceries, and cook all the meals? Does it mean we carpool the children, sign up for the PTA, and commit to the bake sale? Does it mean we join a Bible study, pray for everybody, and attend a church building regularly? Does it mean WE SUBMIT?
As I began to let this “question” seep into my being a new excavation began to slowly take place. I had never questioned my beliefs nor the rules I submitted to. I had only and always “followed suit” and “did what I was told to do” in order to be “A GOOD GIRL!” So, Yes, it was daunting and yet it was a much-needed emergence. And what I began to discover was a lifetime of “unquestioned truths”, which had overgrown, buried, and vaporized the landscape of my feminine soul.
And now, here in 2020, everything came to a screeching HALT! And within this halt was an opportunity for “BEING” – A profound being alone with myself. It offered me this beautiful gift of time and space to question the truth of “ME”. A time to question all the “unquestioned truths” and why I believed what I believed. And in the stillness of asking and listening, I heard a louder and yet softer voice. I heard whispers of new birth intertwined with whispers of ancient-assumed truths. I knew right then things in my life and in my beliefs needed to die so there would be space to birth new life.
In the stillness, I also encountered a depth of love and validity I had never experienced before, nor can I articulate into words. It was a deeper, broader, and more vast affection than I had ever embraced. And it began to unravel me from within, grounding me in this new awakening of “ME”.
Experiencing this non-religious, authentic, and unbound love of my Creator has been an awakening like no other. This awakening is like a shaking off of the old dead leaves as the winds of change blow through my soul; It is an unwinding, unbinding and an excavation of the real me. It is an unlearning and a relearning. It is an unveiling of my true wisdom, dignity, value, and power. It is intimidating, beautiful, and EPIC all at the same time.
Day by day. Step by step. Asking and Listening. Leaning in.
It is a pilgrimage - no longer living as the “good girl” as I embrace the largeness in me and no longer fear it nor silence her.
And for now, I will leave you with this prayer that I have begun to pray daily:
“Lord our God, hear my prayer, the prayer of my heart. Bless the largeness inside me, no matter how I fear it. … Bless the words I write. May they be beautiful in your sight. May they be visible to eyes not yet born. When I am dust, sing these words over my bones:
SHE WAS A VOICE.”
- Sue Monk Kidd
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