Is Your Armor Blocking Your Joy and Grief?
Joy and grief are extreme feelings yet they can co‐exist. However, many of us stuff the grief and try to fake the joy. We believe deep within if we feel the throws and depths of grief it will take us out or overcome us. And in our denial and avoidance we also stuff the anger, the disappointment, and the unfairness that trickles down from grief. We rise up and be “big girls” because that is what we’ve been taught. We “put a smile on our face”, because “good heavens”, we have so much to be grateful for. However, this type of rising only adds on another piece of armor and we lose another piece of our truest self.
This is exactly what I was living out ten years ago until something shifted. Lean in as I share a piece of my story:
The news of the disease slammed my heart like a hurricane hitting landfall with full force. I prayed fervently asking God to heal my dad, yet the following days, months, and years wreaked havoc on his body, strength, dignity, and heart. The more I prayed the more betrayed I felt. Why would God allow this cruel disease to steal the life of my precious daddy? Doubts seeded the fertile ground as anger began to silently grow. I fought to keep my faith afloat and not drown in disbelief; yet, every time I saw my dad the extreme cruelty was apparent. My deep pain led to secret confusion, anger, despair, and spiritual distress. Even my prayers seemed to evaporate into nothingness leaving my heart grasping for answers. Yet, I continued to pray and all I got was silence.
Questions lurked:
“Where was God?”
“Why did God not heal my dad?”
“Where was God in my pain?”
Anger kept secretly growing and I kept ignoring it because, that’s what I was taught to do! Anger was bad, so hid it. And of course --
“Don't ever let them see you cry!”
So, I was determined to be strong.
And then one day, while visiting the Colorado mountains, I knew something had to give. I was weary, broken, and tired of being silent. I knew I could no longer go on like this and as the winds of mother earth blew across my face, something in me finally broke. It was a break in my armor allowing slivers of light to come in. And there in the crevices of new light, I allowed myself to turn towards and embraced the grief, anger, and sadness and for the first time I felt alive. After all this time the weight of my anguish was being held safely in the sacred-light of grace and love. Tears flooded down my cheeks staining my t-shirt as they made their release. I finally let pain have a voice. And to my surprise what a profound and beautiful voice she had. Freedom exploded as pain and joy erupted within my soul. This was a different joy. It was not a joy for outward things but a deep inner joy. A joy that was birthed in pain and it came alive in my grief.
In that moment, grief and joy danced together – as if they had a right to.
Is your heart overcome with grief or sadness? Have circumstances been unfair? Have you stuffed your feelings and been “a big girl”?
Know that you are not alone. Lean in to your grief and ask it to show you new life.
Here is MY PRAYER just for you today:
Almighty God,
As I stand at a crossroad of uncertainty and the road ahead is unknown, lead me forward in Your Divine light. May I not cut my past off for it is the ink on the pages of my story. May I honor the past as together we begin to write the new. New life. New hope. New love. And a New View, even when I can not see it.
With each step forward, I feel my old ARMOR cracking, allowing an openness for LIGHT to penetrate within. It is an awakening and an unavailing of my hidden truth and beauty that’s been buried far too long. Fear may lurk but Your light breathes peace.
Lead me onward with courage, tenderness, compassion, and tenacity.
YOU ARE MY GOD
LET IT BE SO
AMEN!
P.S. - Join me LIVE every Tuesday 10:00am CST on my FACEBOOK PAGE - “Ashley White Wellness” - where I give you encouragement and tools to help you voice and honor your anger and grief.
